9 Hipster Problems in Singapore

PUBLISHED March 18th, 2015 04:00 pm | UPDATED July 22nd, 2024 03:26 pm

Musings of the Chief Nomad – no offence intended and absolutely includes censored profanity. Oh, just frickin’ read on already. You know you want to. We need to talk about the hipster problem in Singapore.

1. Farting during yoga

Okay class, relax into child pose.

Inner monologue: Oh God, I’m too relaxed. I need to let it go. NO! You can hold it, think of your training. Don’t be that guy! Breath in, breath out. Oh God, I can’t stop it…

And back to downward facing dog. Thank God!

2. Weak Artisanal coffee

WTF is this sh*t! I just paid $8 for some hipster piccolo/cortado/latte/cappuccino and it tastes like coffee flavoured water. Excuse me barrista! Do I look like I only need a single shot. Top this up before I kill you. I thought this place was cool. At least they have a space for me to park my…

3. Fixie bicycles

They see me rolling. They see me cruising on my slick, over-priced single-geared bike with wicker basket and saddlebag…Until I get to a hill. Then it’s time to dismount and push that sucker….Shit.

Remind me why didn’t I just invest in a normal bike with more than one gear?

4. Diet

No GMO food for me thanks. I only eat organic even though I can’t taste or tell the difference, or actually know what makes the item genetically modified.

2 hours later at Cold Storage… Holy crap! $10 for a cucumber!!!! Um, maybe I’ll just buy the regular one… this time.

My personal favourite:

Hipster: “Sorry, I can’t eat that. I’m on a gluten free diet”.

Me: “Do you even know what gluten is or why you’re avoiding it?”

Hipster: “Um, it’s like in rice and breads. It’s umm…. makes you fat, right? My pilates teacher told me it was bad for me. Okay so I don’t really know why I’m not eating it… And I really miss rice 🙁 ”

Me: Facepalm.

5. Skinny jeans

Damn my legs look good in these super tight jeans where I can’t even feel my crotch. Oh, shit, where I am supposed to put my wallet, phone and shit. These pockets are so small I can’t even get my pinky in them! Guess I’ll just have to buy a man-bag.

6. It’s too frickin hot to be a hipster!

I should at least in some seasons be able to wear my blazer/jacket/scarf/hat. How am I supposed to express my unique style with a singlet from Uniqlo? And my wonderful mane of a beard – the benefits of hiding snacks is definitely outweighed by the fact that my face feels like it’s about to melt off!

7. Getting spotted at Ikea

 

Look, hipster furniture is kind of expensive so sometimes I buy things from Ikea and cover it up with yak-wool blanket from my adventures in the Himalayas. Don’t judge me, and if you see me in Ikea…it wasn’t really me napping on the sofa. Just a doppelganger.  I swear.

8. Multiculturalism:

Oh Singapore, you think you’re so cool with your trendy cafés, gourmet sandwich bars, ‘juice bars’, brunch spots, and your restaurants from all over the world. I know what’s really happening here. It’s the government’s attempt to promote inter-racial harmony and diversity by showering us with tasty treats and cultures from around the world. How dare you?!

9. Too many hipsters!

According to recent studies, ‘hipsters’ are now considered their own market force. Oh dear. What have we become!!!

And let’s just clarify something Just because I ride a city bike fitted with a saddlebag, drink copious amounts of espresso, do yoga and hang out in Tiong Bahru and Kampong Glam does not make me a hipster. I hate hipsters. Those guys suck. Gulp